TW for disordered behaviours regarding food.
Sometimes relapse is a part of recovery. Last week I found myself after having consumed a mars bar and some lollies feeling angry and disgusted with myself. Despite the fact I strongly believe that I can eat anything I want whenever I want and not feel bad or guilty about it. Despite the fact that I have made peace with my shape in the mirror. Despite the fact I have promised myself to show my body love and not hate. I got down on my knees and thought about how disgusting I was and vomited up my dinner and desert.
Afterwards there was no feeling of relief. No satisfaction from not letting those calories attach themselves to my belly in the form of adipose tissue. All I felt was sad and angry. Sad that I still struggle with these thoughts, that my eating disorder bubbles away under the surface of my brain, and that not succumbing to it is a conscious decision I have to make every day. Angry because I had come so far only to take such a huge step back like this. Angry because I had let the little stabs that my co-workers and friends make about their own bodies get to me.
I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am going to pick myself up and just take it one day at a time. As I have learnt in the last little while life is far to fragile for me to waste any more time freaking out about the size of my waist. it is also to fragile for me to be furious with myself when I live in a world which places so much importance on these stupid little things.
Recovery is a process and day by day my resilience grows.