Yesterday was the anniversary of my mothers death.
It has been nine years since you died. I cannot really believe that so much time has gone by. This one event shaped my life irrevocably in so many ways. It was the catalyst for my eating disorder. The catalyst for the eventual destruction of my relationship with my father.The origin of so many years of pain and grief and sorrow.
I still think about you every single day. I cry every time I pass a significant milestone in my life that you are not here to see. I wonder if you would approve of the big decisions I have made. I wish futilely that you could be here for me to talk to when I am worried or sad.
My personal experience of grieving for you been a slow road from gasp inducing cutting pain to a more distant emotional ache that I feel more or less strongly depending on the circumstances of the day.
I remember walking on your back when I was small because you said it was a good massage. I remember brushing your hair. I remember your warm smile and the way you were super competitive whenever we played pictionary. I remember the sound of your voice and how we used to talk about a lot – but not everything. I remember how you taught me how to cook fish and how you hated my messy room.I also remember how much you hated your fat body and used to try and tame it with girdles.
You like any parent gave me so much – both good and bad. I don’t think it would do either of us any good to remember just the good. The bad things have also enabled me to be who I am today and so I thank you for them to.
There is so much I remember but I worry there is so much I forget. I miss you so much.